As most who read this blog know, I am in the process of finding a new job. This fact alone is quite daunting considering the sickness in our economy and the apparent pillaging of our financial system.

I wouldn’t worry too much about me, though. I have an advanced degree, tons of experience and no-doubt will have employment soon. I had a friend write me today who said, “Hey, I just read your blog. What the heck is happening? Are you and the fam OK?” We’ll be OK…I think…(in reality, it is looking I will have several opportunities to choose from).

In any event, I am talking to a few companies and they have been absolutely great with their communication. Up front, honest, and timely. Some other companies – not so much. I think this, like everything else, is a function of several other things going on in their own companies (as well as the market in general).

Manliness Trait: Do What You Say, Say What You Do

I do want to mention one person who has made a huge difference in my search. Let’s call this person, Steven (not his real name). Steven works for a big company that has not always been very good at human resources in the past. He has taken it upon himself, though, to be a complete stand-up guy with legendary integrity.

When I told him I needed more money to make my family feel good about a possible relocation, he told me he would think about it and try to convince the other decision makers of my worth. He was successful in getting a higher pay rate and did something extraordinarily manly – he took no credit for it. He said, “Kevin, I told them what I feel in my heart and my head – you are worth every penny and they would be stupid not to do it. The choice was a no-brainer for them. I had no impact on this outcome.”

Now, I know he is putting his good name and reputation on the line. I know this because I have been around. He went to bat for me and my family. In return, he expects quality and not to be let down – so again, nothing is free. But, it is a good business decision for his company and he gets someone with intense loyalty in return.

This one thing by itself would have been enough to convince me of this gentleman’s true manliness, but he did something else to ensure his legendary status. He knows how incredibly pressure filled this process is for me and my family. He understands the importance to me of knowing how I am going to provide for my family. It has never been discussed in my conversations with him, but he inherently knows what kind of person I am. He is smart enough to know my hot buttons and presses them at the right times.

He has followed up with me every single time when he said he was going to so. This is immensely to the point of why his company will start benefiting from my intense loyalty and production. I’ve enjoyed every minute I’ve spent with him and he has earned my complete trust and loyalty. Now that’s manliness…

If you choose to be unemployed, you may find this article not as relevant at the beginning. However, you will find it poignant at some point during your self-imposed sabbatical. This article is written for those of us that did not choose to be unemployed. It was out of our hands and now have to make the best of it.

I have never been unemployed before. It was a HUGE adjustment. Imagine going 100 miles per hour for 20+ years and then nothing. The only thing I’ve experienced that comes close to the feeling is finding out your mate has not been faithful. You go from “everything is great” to the “world has ended”.

I am certain this is the same feeling people get when they retire. It’s like driving along in your car and suddenly, unexpectedly getting hit by another vehicle. You take the drive, the car, the action for granted – then your entire perspective on everything, literally everything, changes instantly. It certainly shakes things up.

This article focuses on 5 effects of unemployment men often take for granted. I am sure there are many more, of course, but these 5 aspects of manliness were affected greatly during my layoff. My intent on discussing this is not to tell you how to deal with your situation – everyone is different. Also, AoM did a fantastic job in identifying a plan, albeit obvious ideas, which we all need to remind ourselves of during unemployment.

What you lose as a man

Responsibility - Some guys might like the idea of being unemployed. I won’t pass judgment on anyone, but for me, not providing for my family or myself through productive work is the polar opposite of manliness. Accepting that responsibility is a core manliness trait. When you do not have gainful employment, a sense of responsibility is lost.

It is only human to fall into a mode of less responsibility. We tend to look at the greater economy or some outside factor that has caused this situation and then turn to others to help out (namely the government). When we start getting handouts/charity/whatever you want to call it, our level of responsibility in our own minds often slides. It can be a vicious circle that men have to be extremely careful.

Sense of purpose – All humans need to be loved, accepted and respected. It is a human emotion and a need – not a want. Having a sense of purpose is an affect of these three human needs. When you lose your job, as a man, it puts a huge dent in this effort.

Men, in general, relate to this much more than women. We identify who we are as men by what we do for a living. Think about that. Men often shape and carve their personalities, friends, colleagues, after work activities, and much more based solely on what they do for a living. When we lose this core foundation of our identity, it crushes our manly egos and our manliness takes a serious hit.

Dignity - Webster defines dignity as the quality or state of being worthy, honored, or esteemed. It simply does not matter if you chose to be unemployed or it was chosen for you – you will at some point lose a portion of your dignity. It may be all so slight or even at a subconscious level, but it will happen.

In my case, I became unemployed not by my own decision. It simply happened. My sense of worth and the idea of not being needed any more was a huge blow to my ego. The company did not make it so I know there were other factors at play, but it still forces one to think about their value.

Money - I have always subscribed to the notion that I would not work if I didn’t need the cash. I now know that statement to be only partially true. I need the cash, but this little episode in my life has taught me that I would continue to work regardless if I needed it or not. The work might be completely different, but having an affect in people’s lives and making my own life worthwhile through meaningful work is as core to me as being a man itself. The compensation for my time and production is an essential part of the equation for obvious reasons – my family and my other habits/vices.

Testosterone - This is often overlooked in this predicament. We all know the pitfalls of the obvious – self worth; sense of purpose; responsibility; dignity; etc. However, men thrive on competition, the chase and eventually the battle. Over time, men have tried to suppress this inherent need, but it is in our DNA. Being unemployed has affected my level of manliness in ways I am embarrassed to discuss, but do so to ensure other guys don’t feel alone in this regard.

Being unemployed has wreaked havoc on my sex life and my ability to perform in competitive situations. All men, married or not, live for the chase. The chase is in constant play and testosterone is a key ingredient. Women (and specifically sex) are the prize. My wife has noticed the difference and it is clear I’ve lost an edge in our relationship. Also, in all my sporting activities, it has become much less important to win and compete than in times past.

Cause vs. Symptom

Living without meaningful work and employment is a cause of this lost manliness. The other items listed in this article are symptoms. This is a very important distinction we men who are faced with this issue have to distinguish.

There will be people who don’t agree with me, but gainful employment and sense of purpose is the root cause of how we feel during this time. It is not a symptom of deeper rooted issues or something that happened during our childhood. That is an excuse in my opinion.

My friend said it best as I was contemplating a few offers recently. I was splitting hairs and trying to justify my thoughts around these offers. He stepped up as all good friends would and said, “Shut up and get a freaking job! You need to take care of your family and get your edge back. It is MUCH easier to find the right job when you already have one.”

This doesn’t work for everyone, but it sure resonates for me.

If you have any thoughts or differing opinions, leave a comment. I would love to hear them.

Rusty coaches Matt Damon to “never use eight words, when four will do“. As Damon’s character (Linus) prepares for a one-time only attempt at the sting, Rusty wanted Linus to be an effective communicator and to NOT get on the nerves of Terry Benedict (Andy Garcia) – which could blow up the whole charade.

What Rusty was afraid of, was that Linus was not going to come across as a confident, intelligent man. If any hint of being nervous or unsure were felt by Benedict, it would have been seen as weak and a lack of conviction.

Learn to control your emotions and therefore your words with precision by learning when to shut up. Say what you need to say in concise form. Then sit back and wait with complete confidence and conviction.

Why we do it

Trying to fill uncomfortable silences with chatter is ineffective. It actually hinders your communication efforts. Have you ever spoken with someone that goes on and on for several minutes only to get to a point they should have gotten to at the very beginning? It happens all the time.

People feel the need to preface what they truly want to say, before they actually say it. Maybe we want to make certain the other party doesn’t get confused. Maybe we want to soften the blow of the message. Maybe we are simply stalling because we don’t know what we want to say. There are several possible reasons, but it is never effective.

Most of the time, we don’t even know we are doing it. We simply ramble – looking for ways to fill in the gaps while we wait for the conversation to unfold. This method strips you of control of the discussion and the message.

Good communication skills

Recommended by a friend, The Elements of Style is a book that should be on every man’s bookshelf. Written by William Strunk, it delivers perfect advice for the person interested in mastering this Manliness Trait.

Whether in the written form or orally, Strunk delivers his message of effective communication – “omit needless words!” He states, “Vigorous (and effective) writing is concise. A sentence should contain no unnecessary words. Every word should tell.”

He gives phenomenal advice in Chapter 2 on Effective Composition. Put simply, if you want to master this Manliness Trait, follow these simple ideas:

Use the active voice. This is much more direct and vigorous. Using active voice delivers a direct, bold and concise message. It makes for forcible writing and speaking. A couple of examples:

Passive – There were a great number of dead leaves lying on the ground.
Active – Dead leaves covered the ground.

Passive – The reason he left college was that his health became impaired.
Active – Failing health compelled him to leave college.

Passive – It was not long before he was very sorry that he had said what he had.
Active – He soon repented his words.

Rusty would be proud of such elimination of needless words. Active voice gives us the manliness of surety.

Put statements in positive form. Avoid tame, hesitating and noncommittal language. Also, avoid using the word “not” unless as a means of denial. The reader or listener wants to be told what is. This gives the other party the impression you are in command and sure of yourself. Here are a few examples from the book:

Ineffective – He was not very often on time
Effective – He usually came late.

Ineffective – She did not think that studying French was much use.
Effective – She thought the study of French useless.

Communication in the positive form gives you authority. The other party will quickly understand what you are saying and respect it as being clear and to the point. They may not agree, but they will respect.

Use definite, specific, concrete language. The confident man prefers the specific to the general; the definite to the vague; the concrete to the abstract. Effective manliness is all about being direct and sure of himself. In communication, only express the details that matter. Deal in particulars and others will hang on your every word because they know every word matters. Here are a few examples from the book:

Vague – A period of unfavorable weather set in.
Specific – It rained every day for a week.

Vague – He showed satisfaction as he took possession of his well-earned reward.
Specific – He grinned as he pocketed the coin.

By doing this, you will omit needless words. You will also emit great authority, confidence, and manliness. There is something very manly about being sure of your words. There is no doubt or confusion about the point you want to make.

Why it’s manly

Having effective communication is essential for today’s man. It depicts confidence, surety, thoughtfulness, strength, conviction, and most of all, manliness. Never use eight words, when four will do is a cornerstone to this end.

Filling those uncomfortable silences with useless chatter can be a detriment. It is a man’s surety of the words he chooses that drives home the idea of this Manliness Trait.

Finally, using a limited number of words to get your point across, forces you to use other, non-verbal communication to finish off the thought. Think about the importance!

Having convictions with your words, your appearance, and your mannerisms covers the entire package of being a man. It helps make you congruent in the eyes of others. It leaves no doubt that what you say is true based on all the other communication channels at work at any given moment. If used correctly, it can be one of the most priceless tools in our manly tool chests.

You glance away for a moment and then back at them only to see them staring off into the distance at someone else. You attempt to make eye contact again, but it is feeling uncomfortable. They waive to the person they were looking at, shout a “hey” across the room, and are clearly not engaged with you.

You finish speaking and wait for their response. The person tries to pull a few sentences together that has something to do with what you were saying, but it’s clear they were either completely blowing you off or were simply waiting for you to shut up so they could tell you their opinion. It’s clear at this point; they were not listening and simply didn’t care to be in the conversation. They certainly didn’t make you feel like the most important person in the room.

Why treat them like they are the most important person in the room?

Having POWER is manliness. We lost our power in the previous conversation. Maybe we never got the chance, but if we did and did not capitalize on it, then we failed. If we got the chance to listen to what they had to say and didn’t make them feel as if they were on par with the leader of the free world, then we missed an opportunity at gaining extreme power.

Masculine men know that being interested instead of trying to be interesting is the source of gaining the power we never dreamed to have had. Combine this genuine interest with some very simple techniques to make that person feel extraordinary, and you have a good chance to move mountains.

Once you experience this level of power over other people (in a good way) you will never want to live without it. This power is a very strong elixir – especially to women. They can sense it much better than men and when the person they are speaking to (you!) makes them feel incredibly unbelievable about themselves, you better be prepared for it!

Having CONTROL is manliness. We also lost our control in the previous conversation. My guess is we never had it to begin with. Having control would have meant the other person (man or woman) would have never even thought to be looking somewhere else. They would have been completely inclined and obliged to listen to your every word and make certain they did not sound like a fool when it was their turn to speak.

Regardless if you are in a one-on-one conversation or in a small group of people or in a conference room full of colleagues, the person speaking has control. Giving up control to them for their “moment”, and more importantly, communicating to them non-verbally that you respect them to the hilt, allows you free reign when it is your turn. Making what they say seem the most important thing at that moment, reinforces you as a person they not only want to meet, but HAVE to get to know. Now that is control.

Having RESPECT is manliness. For men, respect so very important to us, it is borders on insane. Oftentimes, we demand respect, but have not earned it. Another Manliness Trait says that we should respect everyone until they give us a reason not to, but the other person may not buy into our manliness ideals. Therefore we have to earn their respect.

Propping that person up on a pedestal is the equivalent of telling them they are godlike. Making them believe, at that moment, there is nothing else you would rather be doing, shows endearing and everlasting respect. They have no choice but to return the compliment.

How do we make them feel like they are the most important person in the room?

Make eye contact and don’t let go. John Paul DeJoria, founder and CEO of Paul Mitchell hair products, uses this like a master.  He is the best I have ever seen.  It may be uncomfortable at first, but then you know you are doing it right. When the person is speaking, don’t lose eye contact – ever. Feel free to look away when neither one of you is speaking, but only for a second to break the uncomfortable ness the other person will be experiencing by your ultimate confidence.

The other person may be a little overwhelmed by the attention they are getting as they will not be used to it, but don’t worry. That feeling of being overwhelmed will soon change to complete attractiveness. This is how incredible, long-term relationships get started. And if you don’t want it to be a long-term relationship, then you don’t have to make it that way. Remember, you have gained incredible power and control over this situation.

Also, when you are speaking to them, if they decide to look away, stop speaking immediately! This will get their attention and remind them of important they are to your conversation. Again, this will be uncomfortable at first, but you want to let them know politely that you want their full attention. Keep the eye contact.

Acknowledge their efforts with positive reinforcement. When in a small group or one-on-one, this is much easier. You simply nod and smile at opportune moments to let them know how engaged you have become in their story. Every once in a while, throw in a genuine laugh when they are trying to make a funny. I know, this is difficult when you are speaking to someone without a sense of humor. A little hint is to put in your mind something very fresh and very funny. Hold that funny for just the right moment and have fun with it. The real trick is to make sure it is genuine. If you can’t pull this one off, then leave it out!!!

In a large group where there is a speaker on stage, the way to let them know how amazing they are is to wait for them to look your way. When they do, you must put on a huge smile and make sure they know you are listening. Do this a few times and they will know you think they are meaningful. Again, be careful not to get too creepy with this one. If pulled off correctly, it works magic.

Promote their ideas to others.  When others approach and want to enter the conversation, this is your chance to show them how important they really are.  Tell the new folks how cool some of their ideas are and invite them into the conversation.  Don’t worry about getting lost in the mix, you have shown incredible manliness by having confidence in them.  Give them the opportunity to now lead the conversation or take a back seat – in either case, you have already made your mark and the impression will be cast in stone.

Leadership

The most important aspect of this Manliness Trait is the fact this shows incredible leadership. You never know who you are speaking to and what type of influence they could have in your life. The other person just might end up being your future spouse. They might end up being your future boss. You simply don’t know.

But having this skill in your manliness toolchest is just one way to ensure you will get the most you can out of the experience. It also ensures you will never have to explain why you were not paying attention. The act of propping people up and giving them the kind of encouragement that attracts them to you, is an act of leadership that emotes power, control, and respect that is found in any leader.

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How this virtue is seen as manly in nature is obvious to most. The results often lie in how people perceive us as men and having manliness characteristics. If we have a strong temperance to never ending temptations that present themselves, those results will be seen by others.

Reasons why we should practice this manly virtue

Live longer. Without the constant abuse of gluttonous activity on our bodies (over eating, over smoking, over drinking, over whatever), we stand a much better chance to grow old gracefully and live much longer. Of course, any vice we have in our lives should be done in moderation, if at all, but this goes for any activity – whether it be a traditional vice or something less apparent such as working. Us workaholics also have to show good temperance to know when to relax and play.

Have better health. Being overweight, sick all the time, using too much medication and the like can all be viewed as results of gluttonous activity. Moderation and temperance towards eating and other temptations we are faced with every day may lead to much better health in your life. It could lead to better exercise, better sex, better mental stability, a better marriage, better family relationships, and so on. Having better health is also MUCH better for your wallet…

Less expensive. Showing moderation, self-control, self-discipline, and temperance all lead to a more frugal lifestyle. It gets very expensive if you have to go to a doctor, chiropractor or psychotherapist every other week to help fix one’s addictions or over-indulgences. Check out some empirical evidence from some of the experts at The Simple Dollar, Get Rich Slowly and Frugal Dad. Frugal Dad tackles another very key aspect of practicing temperance – contentment. Having this is key to being able to say “no” when others who are faced with the same temptations say “yes”.

Seen as strong willed. Most people associate a strong man with a strong will to do what is right. Showing restraint, moderation and contentment when all others are giving into their temptations to splurge is a clear message to all around you that your are a man with convictions. You know what is best for you and your body and will not be deterred.

Modesty. A key trait in manliness is to show modesty in one’s success. The ability to control one’s celebration in victory (or one’s mourning in defeat) shows wonderful temperance. Modesty is also a key virtue that we will explore at a later date. This virtue can also be described as having great humility.

Be a role model. If you don’t or can’t show restraint for yourself, then do it for others – especially your children. Kids are like sponges and will see you as the parent as “the way to do things”. They see their parents as superheros that will always show them the right way of doing things. If you are not showing self-discipline and self-control when it comes to certain vices, how would you expect them to show it as well? If you don’t have kids, then do it for the people who love you. They give their love unconditionally, but there is no better way to pay them back for their love by being a good role model.

Tips to practicing self-control and self-discipline

The act of showing temperance is often related to those who have great self control and self discipline. Napoleon Hill once said,

Self-disciplined begins with the mastery of your thoughts. If you don’t control what you think, you can’t control what you do. Simply, self-discipline enables you to think first and act afterward.

Here are some helpful tips in showing the manly virtue of temperance.

1. Analyze your life and be specific. Learn the areas you want to start exhibiting self control and start the process ASAP. Be specific. Don’t simply say I want to practice more self-control or discipline in my life.
2. Analyze the area where you lack self-control. Educate yourself on the right ways to accomplish what you are setting out to do. You need to arm yourself with the right information and, more importantly, surround yourself with the right people to support the area you wish to change.
3. Set goals easily accomplished. Some call it Progressive Training. I simply say you need to build momentum. Once you know you can accomplish a goal of self-discipline or self-control, then you will start believing you can do it forever. You mind will be tricked, trained, re-wired, etc to believe you now have those skills. You will be building the self-control habit and exercising those muscles.
4. Stay accountable. Do your best not to cheat on your goals. Of course, you will slip up from time to time, but it is how we react to those mini-failures that determines our long-term success. If you slip up, admit it like a man. Take responsibility and move on. Remember, you are in it for the long-term and nothing will deter your goals – even yourself.
5. Review your progress regularly with others. Set those attainable goals, stay accountable to yourself and your plan, and review your progress with others. Telling your support group how you are doing is one the strongest techniques to getting through the temptations of the lack of self-control.
6. Deny yourself. That’s right. Self-discipline and self-control is about denying yourself your temptations. If you have things around that tempt you (i.e. junkfood, cigarettes, the wrong people, etc) then give them away or sell them immediately. Have fun with it. It is only going to make you stronger in your convictions to accomplish your goals.
7. Don’t remove your desire from your life. If you don’t want to give them away or sell whatever tempts you, then embrace it and put it front and center. Deliberately challenge yourself with that desire. Addicted to chocolate? Put a big bowl of M&M’s in the center of your kitchen table and every time you see it, convince yourself you are stronger than your addiction. Before long, you will have programmed yourself to exhibit tremendous temperance.
8. Don’t punish yourself for slipping up. Everyone has the weak moments. Acknowledge them and move on with your goals. Understand why you did it and how you will address the desire next time it comes up. Never beat yourself up or put yourself down for the slip up. You are human and it is not a matter of IF it was going to happen, but WHEN.
9. Comparing to others is a waste of time. You have your own goals and your own agenda. Manliness is about setting your own rules and living by your own set of beliefs. You will not be duped into believing you are failing in your quest or not doing enough by comparing (or having someone compare you) to someone else. Be strong and believe in your convictions.
10. Don’t get carried away. Even self-discipline and self-control can be overdone. Don’t fall off the deep end with this. Realize when enough is enough and never let your desires get in the way with loving your family and friends. This is oftentimes the biggest challenge once you have conquered self-control and self-discipline.

Finally, my father said it best when I was very young. He told me that “too much of anything is not good for you.” From time to time, I try very hard to think of things that don’t fit that mold – love; happiness; friends; family; health. The more I think about it, he was right. All those things are wonderful, but if not taken care of, can have an ugly side as well. I guess that’s why I love the saying “Everything in moderation (even moderation).”

I first heard this entire saying several years ago when someone was trying to explain what made Larry King, the reporter, so effective in his craft. The secret Mr. King grasped was that deep down, people almost always want to be treated like they were special in some way – and everyone has special qualities worth exploring. He was able to turn ANYONE into a great interview by being able to get to that very something that made them special. Likewise, he was able to make the folks our society consider extraordinary or amazing, seem very ordinary and very human-like.

There are many variants of this phrase people will cite from time to time, but the entire phrase put together is an embodiment worth exploring. Treating people good is a cornerstone to human interactivity. Being able to find ways to develop the craft of “relation” is a cornerstone to manly behavior.

Treat Ordinary People Extraordinary

Masculine, important, genuine men in every walk of life and from every generation have always found a way to relate with everyone they come in contact with. The Manliness Trait Try To Be Interesting, But ALWAYS Be Interested is a wonderful technique for us to relate to others. The core of that relating skill, though, is the need of people (not the want, but the human need) to be treated as if they were special. To be treated as what they have to say or do really indeed matters to the rest of us.

Oftentimes, this is not easy to implement, but the concept is very easy. Where men trying to have more manliness in their lives often fail in this endeavor is the incorrect assumption that men have to lead and being the dominant character in a setting is the way to achieve this. Here are some things to keep in mind when trying to Treat Ordinary People Extraordinary.

Be Mindful – Give your full attention to the person speaking. Engage in their feelings (as well as their thoughts) and try to truly understand why they are saying or doing what they are. People oftentimes go through the motions of listening or engaging, but don’t take an active role in it. Remember, that ALL people are interesting in their own way. We can learn so much from everyone we come into contact with, it is a shame to waste the moment and energy by not being mindful.

Replace Fear With Love – It is human nature for us to put up barriers and shields to protect ourselves. After all, :everyone is out to get us and people always want something from us.” This is a fear instilled by us (though, not always a bad fear to have) by our parents, friends, colleagues, and society in general. To help combat that fear, we have to find an emotion to replace it. To battle it away, replace that fear with love. Think of something that makes you happy and hold onto it in your head. This will allow your natural skills of relation to take over and focus on the other person. This will also allow you to find the good in what the other person has to offer. Once you find that, it becomes second nature to treat that person extraordinary in their own right.

Selflessness – Women do this SO much better than men, but we have to learn the skill. It can be difficult for men to take the back seat and put others needs and desires in front of their own, but remember, we are trying to learn a manliness trait that will help in every aspect of our lives. The act of being selfless is an act that will eventually give you way more than what you are giving up. It usually pays off tenfold if done genuinely.

The Physical World Is Transient – The things around us that distract us from human interaction is transient in nature. Things come and go. People come and go. What is left is the interaction and memories people create when they have a moment. Having a moment is not transient. The idea of treating the ordinary extra-ordinary is a way to create a moment that will stick with people as opposed to simply being forgotten as soon as the physical time has ended. When you come across someone who really understands this concept, that person leaves an defining mark in your memory. Be the man who leaves behind a feeling of “that gentlemen really made me feel special.”

Be a Servant – Serving others is not weak. It is not effeminate or unmanly-like. It is one of the manliest things a guy can do. It is often not expected and when a clearly strong, manly, masculine, forceful, commanding man who is a clear leader turns on his servant role, the altruism comes across as real and genuine. This is a manliness at its core.

Treat Extraordinary People Ordinary

We live in a world where people are put on pedestals. Oftentimes, they are put there by media and the like, and nobody really knows for sure why. In any event, they are seen as extraordinary. They don’t have their 15 minutes of fame – they have their 15 years. What makes these people special? Most of the time, unless we have been living on Mars, we know what makes them special in the eyes of society. Especially today, with 24 hour news channels, cameras on cell phones, and the internet all in play, people are well informed as to why people are seen as extraordinary.

What most forget though, is that they are humans. They have feelings; they have struggles; they have families; they have fears. They care about the same things we all do and are inundated with the same exposure to what people think about them. We are all looking at the same information.

A man can endear himself to extraordinary people by 1) acknowledging their extraordinariness and then 2) treating and speaking to them like everyone else. The best interview I have ever seen from Larry King is the one that he did with Kid Rock. He spent 50 minutes talking about his kids, his feelings, his thoughts on the mundane and the other 10 minutes on his extraordinary singing career. You could see the genuine connection that was made and the memory that will last a lifetime.

The idea here is to make certain you, as a man and a gentleman, are not overwhelmed by someone’s perceived greatness. You are equals and are on equal footing when it comes to life. You may share some experiences and have some very different ones as well.

In summary, at the end of the day, people will respect you more when you treat them with the respect they deserve. Treating people who come from ordinary backgrounds and ordinary experiences as extraordinary in nature, allows the potential of a memory for them that will last a lifetime. Treating people with extraordinary backgrounds and circumstances as ordinary also allows for the same potential memory. Both are unexpected and both display a level of manliness that will pay off in spades.

“sexual behavior of a man or woman acceptable to the ethical norms and guidelines of a certain culture, civilization or religion.”

Pretty good definition if you ask me. I hate to get all Bill Clinton-esque, but it does beg the question of what exactly “acceptable” means to that certain culture or civilization. The accepted sexual behavior of someone living as a Christian is drastically different than that of someone living as a Jew, Bhudist, Hindu, or an Islamist. Different religions, as well as different regions of the world, have differences that make the definition unique in different places for different people.

It will be impossible to cover all the different ways this could be defined, so I will try to define what it means to me – a white, Christian man born and living in the United States. Wikipedia says that in the Western world, this term has

“become closely associated (and is often used interchangeably) with sexual abstinence, especially before marriage, due to the restriction of sexual relations to marriage deriving from the Ten Commandments. However, the term remains applicable to persons in all states, single or married, clerical or lay, and has implications beyond sexual temperance.

Unmarried men living in the US have a difficult road to practice the strict, Catholic definition of Chastity. Men who believe that premarital sex is not only OK, but important to the healthy decision and compatibility of who to marry, can find themselves not accepted in certain circles. They have difficult choices to make when it comes to doing the deed vs. following their religious or personal beliefs.

Married men have it a little easier, but they are not completely free of the issue of what to do and when. Even in a monogamous relationship, men face temptation in other women, pornography and other stimulus that may lead them to lust behavior. Lusting after you wife, in my opinion, is as healthy as it gets when it comes to my definition of Chastity. In any event, this virtue needs to be addressed for those of us looking to Return To Manliness.

So what does it all mean?

For those guys who want to become manly in the way they live their lives, it all comes down to individual choice. For me, Chastity is very closely related to being a gentleman. I did not live by the Catholic definition and abstain from premarital sex. I believed it was very important to know if my future wife and I were sexually compatible. I didn’t, however, feel it necessary to be “a player” and sleep with as many women as necessary. I also thought it very important that if I was in a dedicated relationship, regardless if I thought I was going to marry that person or not, that I abstained from sex.

In short, I was no saint, but I wasn’t someone who actively used women either. Now that I am married, I do lust after my wife. I am not sure what modern Christian thought is on this point, but I interpret my marriage as a complex set of emotions and needs – sex being a large part of it. I enjoy looking at other women and I don’t look away when there is nudity or sexual situations in the movies. I like to think of myself as a gentleman who enjoys living and is in touch with his sexuality. My wife and I talk about these issues often.

Whether you are single, married, old or young, this manly virtue of Chastity is one that is best defined by individual choices. Don’t deny your sexual thoughts and emotions as a man. Embrace them and use them in your decision making process. Manliness, when it comes to this virtue, is understanding your comfort level and most importantly, regardless of your sexual decisions, to always be gentlemen.

When I was compiling the list of Manliness Traits, this one not only had to be included, it had to be right near the top. I forgot exactly where I heard this saying, so I searched online to see if I could credit the right person, but could not find anything. However, this has been a cornerstone in my life for a long time.

The essence of this Trait lies in the one facet men have had trouble mastering throughout all of time: listening. Most men tend to be good storytellers. We have the innate ability to be interesting (at least we want to be) and, more importantly, we tend to enjoy it. Listening, on the other hand, has always been a challenge for us.

Try To Be Interesting, But ALWAYS Be Interested

Why does it matter?

Ever wonder why some of us get that job promotion, the amazing girlfriend/wife, the lowest round of golf, or the admiration of others? They listen. In order for us to learn and become better at anything we are doing, we must listen and learn. If you have a genuine interest in what is being explained to you, you will absorb it like a sponge, internalize it and then use it to your advantage as you implement it later.

Also, being interested, and showing it, gives you instant respect in the minds of the person delivering the message. You show them the ultimate respect by taking an interest in what they are saying. If it wasn’t important to them, they probably wouldn’t be saying it. This goes for women, other men, and even your children. And yes, children know when you are paying attention or not.

Why isn’t being INTERESTING enough?

Some may say it can be attributed to the general lack of patience (a strong manly virtue). Others may say it is our need, as humans, to be accepted and loved. We feel if we are interesting to other people, they will look favorably towards us. People will view our stories and our knowledge as valuable. We want folks to feel like they are lucky to be in the same room with us. To this end, being interesting is the most sured way to garner such feelings.

This is true. However, for the same reason we want to be accepted, loved and admired, the people on the other side want those exact same things. When you are always trying to be interested to other people, this will be viewed as you “taking” as opposed to “giving” something. Yes, it seems opposite, but nevertheless true.

If you are always trying to steal the spotlight, show people your incredible knowledge, or simply dominating this delicate balance of give and take, you will not endear people to you. You will not attract them deeper into your life. And subsequently, it makes it much more difficult to be a leader and get what you want in the long-term.

Why is being INTERESTED the key to success?

Men of all ages and experience understand the importance of listening. This is how children learn so quickly. This is how men stay in the good graces of their wives. This is how we become better men. However, many men actually feel they are being weak when give control of the conversation and message over to someone else. It is difficult to “let go” and allow the other person to take the lead in being interesting.

Showing genuine interest in what others have to say or show you not only is displaying an inner strength very few men possess, it shows others your complete comfort level with who you are as a man. You know that you are in charge of your own thoughts. Your willingness to relate with others through sharing and caring for their experiences in the moment actually gives you COMPLETE control over that interaction. There is nothing that can be attacked or disputed. If SunTzu (ancient warlord credited with creating the premise of The Art Of War) were alive today, he would be very proud of this saying.

The other very important reason this Manliness Trait is so important is that to become better men, we must learn from the true, decent, brave, intelligent gentlemen that have proceeded. The only way to do this is to listen and observe their actions and lessons. To soak up all that wonderful knowledge is a cornerstone to the Return To Manliness.

In summary, I believe we can become better men immediately through this one key trait. Other Manliness Traits may take time to master and have that profound impact on who we are trying to become. It doesn’t matter if we are trying to improve our marriage, pick up women; get that job promotion; land that important deal; or simply want to become better men, if we want to succeed, we must learn to be genuinely interested in that person or group of people you are interacting. We all will have our moments to be interesting, but to be interested gives you access to worlds you never knew existed. Worlds of much deeper relationships, much deeper knowledge, and an inner strength that exudes manliness.

There are so many great guys out there that want to be treated with the respect of a man. I, for one, have been missing that in my life for quite some time. I was looking for a thesis, a reason to change. I found it when I started believing I could become a better man. When I started to learn more about the traits that men possess, men that any of us could idolize and sculpt our lives after, I realized that this was the path to getting so much more out my life.

I want a better marriage; better friendships; more money; better physique; more courage; better health; and the list goes on. As I evolve from where I am today to where I want to go, this list will grow and this category will grow. Come back to the category of Manliness Traits and visit it often.

In each article, I will write on specifically one of the traits and attempt to dive into great detail of its meaning, origin, and hopefully its use by more and more men in today’s society.

Also, you will see the Manliness Traits peppered throughout many of my posts on this site. They will be in a red font color with bold and italics for emphasis (e.g. Treat Extraordinary People Ordinary, And Treat Ordinary People Extraordinary). Many of my posts will nibble around the edges of these traits only to help reinforce their immense importance within my own thought synapse.

The following is not an exhaustive list of manliness traits I have drafted. It is only a sample. They are simple phrases and thoughts I have picked up over time from a variety of sources. When taken into context, they serve as a man’s guide in how he should act.

• Try to be interesting, but ALWAYS be interested
• Treat ordinary people extraordinary, and treat extraordinary people ordinary
• Treat the person who is speaking as the most important person in the room
• Honor your parents
• Respect everyone until they give you a reason not to
• Always find a reason to compliment women (and even other men)
• Consider the source
• Protect your family at all costs
• Never use 8 words when 4 will do
• A man’s appearance always matters
• The most important thing a father can do for his children is love their mother
• When in doubt, shut up and listen
• Never complain

The world was shocked recently by the death of a VERY young Tim Russert at the age of 58. There has been so much coverage on this over the last couple of days, I simply don’t want to write anything about this amazing person that will trivialize what has already been covered. But I do want to speak to something I never paid attention to when he was alive – his family and his friends.

Much to my chagrin, it was only in his death that I became fully aware of who this amazing man really was. He embodied what every male aspires when they finally can call themselves men.

It wasn’t his politics or his job that got my attention. It was his family and how treated people he came in contact with – every day. This was a man who knew what it took to earn the respect and he never veered off that course. He embodied what I aspire to be and it sickens me to think only after his death I will learn his lessons he put forth during his life.

Man Trait #1: Love your family and get involved with others’ families

I always knew Mr. Russert as the guy who would get me the answers to make an inform decision on politics. I never knew his personal side and that was my misfortune. Knowing and caring about the other guy’s family gives you an undeniable edge in dealing with people. It allows you to relate on a level that no one expects or can prepare for.

When I heard of his love for his son and father, it became clear I missed out on knowing this gentleman when he was alive. He adored his only child, Luke, and respected his father, Big Russ, with such immense passion that only can be found when men drop their guard long enough to build those endearing relationships.

What’s even more impressive was his amazing care and love for his friends’ families. He knew where all their kids went to school. He knew birthdays and major family events – making a point to ask and care when others did not. There is nothing that gives you a bigger edge in life (as well as fulfillment and enjoyment) than asking another guy how his son’s 10th birthday party turned out. Or sending a card on his daughter’s 8th birthday. Think about the power this has on deepening relationships with others. Think about the impact it has on their lives.

Man Trait #2: Treat the speaker as the most important person in the room

This really is something that many successful people do and it is a cornerstone to manly behavior. When someone is speaking to you and you are looking right through them, talking on your cellphone, speaking to someone else, or looking away from them for the next person to hit up, there is nothing more you can do other than to tell that person they mean nothing to you. This is not a manly gesture and the true man would never do this.

Tim Russert was world-renowned for making certain you were the only person in the room that mattered to him if you were speaking to him. It does not matter who you speak to on this, they all say the same thing – he was an extraordinary man in this regard.

Man Trait #3: Treat extraordinary people ordinary, and treat ordinary people extraordinary

There are very few media types that can pull this off (i.e. Larry King) and he was one of them. It is very easy for people to ignore the ordinary folks they come across – especially if they can’t help them get ahead in life. His colleagues, across the board, will tell you that Tim Russert was a master at this trait. Everyone had a say in the political process and every person’s opinion counted.

But think about how this relates to true manliness behavior. If you believe every person has a mother, a father, friends, people that love him/her and people he/she loves – treating every person extraordinary really enforces the other person’s belief that they are at the center of their own universe. This is a very powerful tool and very fulfilling. (Off subject – think about how this works when dealing with women!)

On the other hand, treating extraordinary people ordinary can be just as flattering. Remember, the people in the spotlight are there all the time. They want to deal with a real person as well and there is nothing that tells people you are dealing with someone “real” than having that person go out of their way to NOT kiss your ass. It also helps those other folks to drop their guards.

In Summary:

I never had a chance to know Tim Russert other than what I saw on television. I never read any of his books, but you can bet I will read every last one of them now. I never knew how much of a great man this guy was until all of the memorials came on the air. I will never appreciate all the other manly traits this true gentleman possessed. I never knew what he meant to other people he came in contact with. I never knew I really needed to get to know this legend while he was alive.

I will never allow myself to fail in any of these manly traits or any of the countless others Tim Russert had, again.