RTM has essentially been shut down for a month. I have been MIA and I apologize. I would love to find the perfect political excuse for why I have abandoned this effort, but there is no excuse – just reasons.

For the good folks who have supported this site in the past and want more manliness drivel, let’s get to it. For those who have relished in my inactivity and would rather see me just go away, go grab some Pepto and hunker down for some serious manliness chatter.

Real estate in Las Vegas

I recently lost my job. I have LOTS of experience and have never been out of work in my adult life – starting at age 14. So, losing my job (which was very closely tied to the Las Vegas real estate market) was a brand new experience to me. I did not know how to act, so I did what I always do when clueless (which happens a lot) – I shifted into my insanely focused mentality of stopping at nothing until I figure it out. It reminds many of Forrest Gump-like intensity of always keeping your eye on the ping-pong ball. Nothing, and I mean absolutely nothing, could pull my attention away from the task at hand.

Being so closely tied to the Las Vegas real estate market, it was not a shock that my work would come to an end. However, we all thought we had more time. Things have turned here in Vegas, like so many other places, really, really bad. Housing prices are blowing up here to the tune of 30% decline in just one year. Think about that for a moment.

Responsibility to my family

As many know, I recently adopted an amazing child. My wife and I were recently featured at Discovering Dad and you can see some pictures there. He means the world to me and there is NOTHING that will get in the way of me providing for my wife and my new child.

Responsibility is an interesting subject to me. When it comes to manliness, I am certain that this one word is the cornerstone to finding your way. It is the one thing in our lives we men (and women) need to always be in pursuit. And take it from me, when something like this happens in your life and you have more to think about than just which cocktail you will focus on this Friday at happy hour – your perspective on responsibility changes drastically.

Putting things into perspective

I love writing for this site and learning a brand new skill – blogging. I am in this thing for the next 20 years, not the next 20 days. So, when I needed to focus my attention on providing for my family and making sure that little boy of mine is safe from a financial catastrophe, the site be damned!

Now that I am closing in on a new position and new career, I can spend some time thinking about tickling the subject of manliness again. No doubt, my life will be in high transition as a move out of Vegas is probably forthcoming. My income will most likely be just fine. Our health benefits covering us from catastrophe. My piece of mind coming back from the brink.

Truth is, my family and my ability to provide was never really in danger – which can not be said of so many others out there in the midst of this financial meltdown threatening the American way of life. But it was the thought of not being able to provide – the thought of not being responsible enough to ensure the well being of my son – that got me so worked up. In any event, I’m back in the saddle.

BTW, I want to thank The Common Man for a nice comment recently on his blog. He has been an advent supporter of Return To Manliness. His writing style and his topics are excellent and his frequent participation here has been a phenomenal support. Thanks TCM!!!

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Time Away’s Been Nice, But Gotta Get Back On The Horse

Here is an excerpt from that article:

Young, gorgeous, successful – and single. For Christine Kitching, 24, Auckland’s “man drought,” is not a vague concept, but a reality.

The high-flying Air New Zealand Fashion Week administrator told the Herald on Sunday single men were hard to find in the City of Sails – “they’re either gay or married.”

Unfortunately, the remaining bachelor pool presented what Kitching denounced as a “very limited selection”.

Successful and ambitious Kiwi women looking for a love match were hard-pressed to find “manly men” said Kitching.

“It’s a running joke among my single friends, the man-drought.”

One of the main problems with available men she’d met was that they were easily “intimidated” by strong, career-driven women.

“I don’t put up with crap,” she said. “But the men in Auckland are too soft. They are all so ‘emo’.

“I haven’t yet found a really rugged man who is not going to spend more time in the bathroom than I do, or use my hair straighteners.”

This article is one of hundreds that come across my desk on a weekly basis.  A recent book called “The Retrosexual Manual” by David Beasley, an Australian nonetheless, explores this topic of men returning to manliness.  It was featured in many articles, but this one from the LA Times did it best when they tied it into the amazing TV show, Mad Men.  (check my take on this manliest of shows)

We are witnessing a (relatively) silent revolution back to manliness.  For years, being called a Metrosexual meant fighting words for many men.  Then, subtly, things changed.  Men began embracing their feminine side.  Spending tons of time in the bathroom, getting haircuts every couple of weeks, manicures, pedicures (holy crap!) and all kinds of other acts to push us men further towards a unisex mentality.

By the late 90’s, the man’s man and old-timing manliness was dead.  Now, it’s rearing its stubbly, Old-Spice smelling head back to mainstream.  And people are talking about it.

This silent mutiny is one that everyone wants – men and women both.  Metrosexuals, in my opinion, were a fabrication of the consumer society that existed here in America for the last 30 years.  Attitudes shifted from manliness and being men to the effiminate male in constant search for his softer side.

Nobody really to blame.  Women liked it as they were gaining the respect and admiration they deserved for so long.  Men liked it because it gave them permission to do certain things.  Men also thought this was exactly what women wanted.

What Women Want

And here we are, at the epicenter of the debate.  Men succumbed to metrosexual tendencies in the attempt to figure out what women really want from their men.  In reality, at first men only cared about getting laid and gaining more power.  Then it took over what was normal for being a man.

My Dad said it best.  “Kevin, I love women.  I love everything about them.  But don’t think for one second, ever, that you know what women are thinking.”  So, if Dad was right, why are men trying so hard to figure it out?

We do so because the women in our lives (and the kind of women we want in our lives in the future) is so important to us men.  We love our women and want to do them right, but men, in general, have gone too far in this quest.  The overthinking of this timeless puzzle has pushed men to do things that are not terribly natural to them.

So, here we are.  The great experiment which is metrosexuality has failed.  Men, and women, are not happy with the present state of affairs.  Yes, we have evolved to be more sensitive and thoughtful to equality and respect.  That is a step in the right direction.  But the idea of men acting more womanlike in order to relate with them on a level to figure out what they are thinking – that idea is under attack and many people, including the young Ms. Kitching, will welcome the Return To Manliness.

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Interesting Reflection: Man Drought Is Fact Of Dating Life

I went with Michael Jubel Hutagalung’s Arthemia theme.  The response has been good all week with emails and comments.  If you are an RSS reader of the blog and have not been to the main site in awhile, come check it out.  I would really like your feedback on the new look.  DON’T hold back!  If you don’t like something or just want to take the chance to rag on me for some take you didn’t agree with, have at it.

Like so many other part time bloggers, I do this in whatever spare time I can muster.  HTML code is not my thing, but I’ve learned just enough to be dangerous.  Michael’s theme is very good for a person without enough time on their hands to fiddle with every little thing on the site.

I don’t know how some people find the time to do some of the things they do out here.  It’s hard enough finding time to crank out quality content, let alone constantly jiggering with site layout.

I am to the realization my site will never be as good as some of the others in this space.  However, my content will keep up as I intend to continually improve this.  Everything else just needs too much work, so I really hope people enjoy the new layout – it’s going to be this way for awhile.

Thanks for reading and please, I encourage feedback on the layout and the content.  Don’t like something?  Let me know, but keep it productive.

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Return To Manliness Redesign – One Full Week In The Books

Cristiano Ronaldo and David Beckham appear to be in some sort of “which one of us can be the gayer” contest of wills. It is a modern day metrosexual arms race of tanning sensation, hair care perfection, and waxing every part of their body imaginable. (Did I mention these guys are soccer players? Also a major concern, but for a different post…)

Being well dressed and taking care of yourself physically is mandatory. No argument from me on these points – manliness is about the entire package. I get the feeling, though; these chaps have veered off the path somewhat.

But let’s not throw just these guys under the bus – they are not alone. Look into any sport today and find men who display differing levels of being metrosexual. Even heroes from yesteryear pushed the limits. I can’t get the picture of Broadway Joe Namath in his fur coat out of my mind…

What would Gordie say?

When it comes to sporting legends, Gordie Howe is the gold standard of manliness. “Mr. Hockey” played professional stick for 32 seasons – making the all-star team 29 times! Gordie retired from the game at 52 as a Hartford Whaler, but was a legendary member of my beloved Detroit Red Wings forever. He was in the top 5 in scoring for 20 consecutive seasons, never missed a chance to beat the crap out of someone, and even found time to throw a haymaker at referee once – a freaking referee!

Gordie was the baddest of the bad, but was known for his quiet off ice presence. As a legendary gentleman with a very even temperament, Gordie was never one for the theatrics. He was all business on and off the ice.

If Gordie was asked the question what he thought about today’s athlete and his metrosexual habits, he would crack a small smile, laugh a little under his breath and simply say “we live in different times.”

He might also say “look, if it doesn’t help my team win; I’m not that interested.”

You see, Gordie was a guy who commanded presence through his actions. Forget the celebrity for a moment and think of men who command a presence when they walk into a room. You can always tell when a great man is present…you can feel his quiet demeanor is merely a gentleman-like way of allowing people to take it all in. You can also feel that when it’s time to get down to business, that guy knows what he is doing and all the rest of the crap doesn’t matter.

Getting the job done is paramount and if you got in the way, look out. If Gordie was not playing hockey, he was working on becoming a better hockey player – there is a difference. Playing hockey is what he did. Being the best hockey player, and man, is what defined him.

Both David “Becks” Beckham and Cristiano Ronaldo are fantastic at playing soccer. They show their greatness on the field in every instance. I know very little about them off the field so I am not bashing either one (the opening was for entertainment purposes only.) I respect both men for what they do on the field.

I do, though, miss the time when our sporting heroes never thought of painting their fingernails or spending hours working on their tans. There are glimpses of Gordie Howe’s in today’s sporting world, but they are becoming less and less.

Men like Tom Brady, Tim Duncan, Tiger Woods, Derek Jeter and Lance Armstrong are fine examples of a modern day “Mr. Hockey.” They dominate their sports, always try to look their best, and never let their appearances get in the way of what matters most to their career – winning.

Do we feel this way about the sport stars of today? If you know modern day metrosexual sport heroes better than me and I messed up, I would love to hear from you.

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Today’s Top Athletes Are All Metrosexuals? Save us Gordie!

I used to hear this all the time from my parents. As a new parent, I am certain I will be saying this at some point to my kids too.

As parents, we always want what’s best for our children. One of those things is to protect them at all costs. We will make imperative statements (more yet, requirements) to them on a routine basis and not necessarily explain why we are making them.

We don’t do this to impose our will or to show we are smarter, bigger or more experienced than they are, but simply because we want to protect our children. This is not only noble, but necessary in today’s uncertain society.

Where things tend to go awry, however, is in the later teen years. When our well placed warnings and cautions may have been ingrained so deep into their psyche, it becomes extremely hard to unlearn them.

Put simply, we expect our kids to be well adjusted socially when it is time. We expect our kids to have lots of friends – to be able to meet and connect with new people. We want them to be well versed and be able to hold their own in social settings. Of course, we always want safety, but we also want them to explore – quite a contradiction when you think about it.

This is why one of the best gifts we can give our children at a very young age is a detailed reason why you are requesting something of them. “Just do it because I said so” might have long term affects we are trying to avoid. Not to mention it is unfair to the children to demand something of them without them knowing why. In order for them to learn, they need the reference points.

Giving your kids a detailed explanation when requesting something of them can make their adjustment from dependent mode to independent mode much easier. The explanation should help them understand there will be a time and place when this behavior will help them tremendously, but for now, they should listen to you.

Understand the Roadblocks

One of my favorite books of all time is Susan RoAne’s personal improvement and networking classic “How To Work A Room“. It puts razor focus on the act of, you guessed it, how to work a room and network in a situation where you don’t know anybody.

She calls early parental warnings “survival techniques” that worked a whole lot better when we were six than when we were twenty-six. As we get older, we oftentimes forget to turn these lessons off. She says those safety warnings actually act as “roadblocks” to getting what we want later in life.

According to RoAne, the five major roadblocks we learned from our parents early on that may hinder our ability later in life are:

1. Don’t talk to strangers.
2. Wait to be properly introduced.
3. Good things come to those who wait.
4. Better safe than sorry.
5. He/she only wants one thing.

and, I would add a sixth:

6. Don’t do/touch that. You don’t want to get hurt do you?

I added this last one as it was commonplace in my household. I often credit this roadblock to making certain I will always have difficulty making my own decisions.

Techniques for overcoming roadblocks and turning your children into emotional giants has to be left for another post; however, one thing you can start doing to help your kids later in life is explaining why you want them to do certain things your way for now. They’ll have many choices of their own down the road, and as parents, we need to focus on equipping them to make good decisions, rather than only preventing them from making bad ones.

Explaining the reasons why doesn’t mean your kids won’t make mistakes, but it will probably work better at setting them up for success than if you only rely on the “Just do it because I said so” school of parenting.

Do you explain the reasons why you make rules, discipline or protect your child? If not, how’s that working for you? If so, have you seen changes in behavior and decision making abilities as they’ve grown? Please share your thoughts.

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Just Do It Because I Said So!

Flint’s interim Police Chief David Dicks (yup…that’s his name) began implementing a controversial new “sagging pants law“.  In short, let your pants sag and you will be warned, then fined, and finally put in jail if you don’t comply with this indecent exposure law.  Here is some content from the article that explains the Chief’s position:

Dicks, who took over the department last month on an interim basis, announced that his officers would start arresting people wearing saggy pants that expose skivvies, boxer shorts or bare bottoms.

“Some people call it a fad,” Dicks told the Free Press this week while patrolling the streets of Flint. “But I believe it’s a national nuisance. It is indecent and thus it is indecent exposure, which has been on the books for years.”

On June 27, the chief issued a departmental memorandum telling officers: “This immoral self expression goes beyond freedom of expression.”

Some “sag your pants” supporters are crying foul though.  Of course, the crazy folks over at the ACLU are claiming racist undertones as the driving issue.  It goes without saying, but this is bizarre and bordering on insane.  Can we please leave the race comments out of this and talk about the merits of what they are trying to do?

This new law is ridiculous if they do actually plan on throwing people in jail, but warnings and fines?  I have only one word – “finally”.  I know not all will agree and I would love to hear from you in the comments, but guys who wear their pants sagging are making a statement.  No one can convince me otherwise and this is why I support The Chief in his actions.  Stop the ghetto behavior and you will start changing attitudes.

Sagging pants have hurt the implementation of true manly behavior and manliness in our youth for far too long.  I say, “respect yourself and respect how you carry your appearance.”  The Manliness Trait (the post has yet to be crafted) A Man’s Appearance Always Matters is something that is near and dear to me.

Flint, Michigan

I lived in Michigan for over 30 years and know Flint, Michigan very well.  It is one of the most dangerous places in our country.  I lived in Detroit proper for a number of years and Detroit is tame in many respects compared to Flint.

I suspect, regardless of color or ethnic background, that if we start changing the attitude and altering the mentality that presently exists in young males, it might be possible to turn them into young men.  Young men with character and respect for each other tend to yield good things.

This respectful attitude is not present in any urban culture that I am aware and Flint is no exception.  Flint is a place where something like this could actually start changing the fortunes of the entire city.  Don’t agree?  Take the time to dress to the nines this weekend and go to a public place.  See how people treat you and more importantly, notice how it makes you feel.  This attitude just might spill over into all aspects of your life.

Finally, the sagging pants law could make the “sag your pants” fashion (using that term liberally) a thing of the past.  If for no other reason, there is hope I can now go back home and find myself in a pickup game without the fear of having to check a fella with his pants half off.  I don’t think anyone can argue with that!!!

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Flint Michigan Implements Controversial Sagging Pants Law

Now, I know I will get all kinds of flack from the women who don’t like it (e.g. RtM gal – a.k.a. my wife), but the fact of the matter is, most do like it. My guess is reminds women of the bad boy image and there is something very sexy about the bad boy.

One caveat: If you don’t bring the stubble with the entire package (hygiene, hair, clothing, swagger, manliness, masculine, etc) then you simply are a slob.

Another very key point was the idea of long vs short facial hair. Short facial hair, another shocking development, was considered much more attractive and better for the women. Check out this quote from the article and tell me that this is not interesting…go ahead, just say it…

Facial hair may have been sexually selected by females on the basis of associated male success, despite its threatening appearance. Clean-shaven faces therefore may suggest appeasement, as well as being an obvious sign of sexual immaturity.

“Increasing levels of facial hair were associated with increased perceptions of aggression, in that bearded faces were perceived as being the most aggressive, whilst clean-shaven faces were rated as being the least aggressive. And as facial hair increased in a linear fashion, so did female ratings of masculinity and dominance.

What are your thoughts on facial hair? More importantly, is it different for women who are married vs single?

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Manliness Article Of The Day: Stubble Is Manly

It should contain at least $1,000 (at first) and eventually six to twelve months of your household’s take-home salary (eventually). Whether you have loved ones relying on your ability to provide for them or just yourself, having one makes staying out of debt possible when disaster hits. And fellas, be certain, financial disaster (albeit maybe a small one) will hit at some point in the near future. You will be happy, and so will your wife and children, that you started one up.

The only reason you ever tap the fund is in situations where your monthly budget is about to go into the red. Sometimes things happen like a dead transmission, a blown hot water heater or, like me, a newborn baby delivered to your doorstep in the form of an adoption. In those cases, we simply need more cash than our budget can afford. This is when we turn to the emergency fund; it should have enough cash there to fix the emergency and then be replenished during the calmer times.

How do I set one up?
You can do this any number of ways, but the one requirement is that it must be LIQUID. You must be able to get to it quickly. You can set up an online account with you bank of choice. Many of the personal finance bloggers I read love to suggest ING Direct. This bank is strictly an online bank. They don’t have any branches or ATMS (but let you use your local bank’s ATMs for free access to the account). They have a VERY flexible method of saving and I encourage everyone to check them out.

You can also use your local bank to set up an account for quick access. So long as you can get to ATM quickly or pay bills quickly – it qualifies. I do not suggest stowing the money under your proverbial “mattress” or in the often cited “coffee can” in the kitchen. Neither of these pay any interest and if you get jacked, then what?

Do NOT say you can’t afford one
Look, no matter how much money you make and how much you spend, there is always room to save something everyday. Use the ING Direct account to put $1 per day into your emergency fund. You can afford $1/day right? If you can’t, then you are lying to yourself, and as my Dad always told me (it’s also a core Manliness Trait) “Lie To Whoever Else You Want, But NEVER Lie To Yourself.”

If you could sock away just $1 per day, and you all can, then you would have $360 after one year. In 2 years, you could have $700. Not a ton of money, but when disaster hits just once, you will thank yourself many times over for having it. Your wife and your children will thank you as well. Going into debt to pay for something that is out of your control will be a thing of the past. And we all know that going into debt sucks.

I say to anyone who says they can’t afford one that if you want to provide and protect your family, you can NOT afford NOT having one. Your wife and your children rely on you to be the protector of the family unit. Having one of these gives you the piece of mind you will always play with a safety net.

An example of using the fund
Last month, the better half and I planned our budget. We are not in debt, but still live well within our means. We like to save and put away for the new guy (my son Jackson). Since we live in Vegas, we budgeted a huge chunk of change for our electricity bill since it gets to about 293,742,974,398 degrees Fahrenheit in the desert during the summer.

Little did we know where the price of electricity had gone in just a few short months. We were SHOCKED out of our gourdes to see the bill was twice what we had budgeted. Once I picked the wife up off the floor and calmed her down a bit, I encouraged her to have another glass of wine and not worry about it. I was on the case.

I dipped into that emergency fund, paid the bill in full, and never thought twice about it. I knew we had it covered and plenty left over for the next potential budget disaster. I now put nearly $10/day into that fund. Not a ton of money, but it adds up over time. It just grows and grows and so does my ability to handle any short-term situation that comes up financially.

One point of caution, if you get lucky and avoid financial snafu’s for awhile, that fund grows way too large. Don’t let it sit there. Manage it and make sure it does not turn into something else. Invest it somewhere you feel comfortable or even start another fund using ING Direct and call it the sunny-day fund. Use that money for a future vacation or expenditure that your entire family can splurge on.

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Emergency Fund: Protect Your Family’s Future Without Using Debt

Time magazine even went so far as to write a whole piece on the act, its origins and what it really means in today’s society. This just shows how this modern day high-five has taken center stage, literally overnight. God bless 24 hour news channels…

The New York Times recently republished an article that was written back in 2001 about the origins, history and meaning of this congratulatory gesture. I thought this article was good reporting. They originally wrote it in 2001 way before all this silliness, so it was just reporting the facts and trying to explain its history.

Also, with all my articles, I always want to know what Wikipedia has to say about the fist bump.

Where did the modern fist bump start?
There is this Nonverbal Dictionary that many people will cite as the authority on this type of thing. They say the clenched fist signals ”an aroused emotional state, as in anger, excitement or fear.” Not sure if this is what it was meant to be, but nevertheless, it is meant to be a more masculine form of a high five or a hand shake.

No one really knows for sure when and where this started, but in American culture, few will argue that it became mainstream when sports figures started doing it back in the 70’s. Many feel Fred Carter of 1970’s NBA fame was the Godfather of the modern-day fist bump. Here is a quote from an interview he gave:

”The high-five was for a team accomplishment, and the bump was more an individual thing,” said Mr. Carter, who remembered the great Earl Monroe as another early bumper. ”You bumped when your testosterone hit a peak. It was a crescendo of success; and when we did it, it was manly.”

Back in 50’s, men would do something called the fist pound. This was to punch the shoulder in a downward motion or punch them in the chest. In either case, it was manly back then to do this and was a way for men to have manly touch interaction.

Finally, some claim the superheroes, the Wonder Twins, started this modern day gesture when they would smack fists (actually touching their rings) right before turning into frozen pond or a hammer or something silly that could save the day.

Where did this manly gesture go terribly wrong?
Nowadays, the gesture is moving away from its sports roots. When Tiger Woods performs the gesture, it is a sign of strength. He leaves the open handed high-fives at home for his wife and kids, but when on the course with Stevie, he clenches the fist and gives the manly fist bump.

But when you see non-sports figures implementing the fist bump, it quickly loses its manliness and its true meaning for which it was adopted. I was watching a political news show the other night and they gave each other fist bumps at the end of the interview. The guys (and gal) on Fast Money on CNBC give each fist bumps at the end of each show and even have started throwing in a couple during the show.

This has to be stopped or the fist bump will go the way of the chest bump (another very masculine thing to do in sports that is now COMPLETELY out of favor when soccer moms and grocery clerks started to make this mainstream).

When Michelle put up her fist to give her husband the fist bump, I am certain that this once masculine gesture had jumped the shark. Then I saw her, somewhat tongue and cheek, give fist bumps to the women on The View. If it was not clear that fist bumps had lost their manliness already, then this one act had officially killed off the bump. Watch the video below and try not to cringe…I dare any man to tell me they not only cringed, but they had a profound pucker affect…

This just kills me every time I see it…the coolness is officially over.

How to pull off a manly fist bump.
OK, so you don’t want to give up on it quite yet, but you don’t want to be compared to the Obama’s or the women on The View. You want to be a man and do the manly fist bump, but not sure how since it has been hijacked by mainstream? Below is a great list I found of do’s and don’ts associated with fist bumps. I changed nothing from the original article from TastyBooze as I thought it was just perfect.

1. If sports are involved, fist bumping is always acceptable.
2. If you are wearing a suit, you may only fist bump if you are drunk. Or if you have just wrapped part of your suit around your forehead.
3. You may not fist bump under any circumstances, in a hospital. Unless Rule #1 (or Rule #2) applies.
4. Do not fist bump someone else’s misfortune, even if it helps you. Just look down, furrow your brow, and nod sternly.
5. No fist bumping between the hours of 7am and 10am. And if you’re watching sports at this time, it’s probably soccer or NASCAR, and then you should really not be fist bumping. High fives will suffice for both.
6. Do not fist bump in a meeting. Even if you are drunk.
7. Do not fist bump your children. Unless you’re drunk, then it’s OK.
8. Girls can fist bump anytime they want. And yes, guys think it’s cute.
9. Do not refuse a fist bump. If you, as a bumpee, believe the bumper is violating a rule, speak to him afterwards. Refusing his bump is not going to help anything.
10. Do not fist bump yourself.

Epic list and fits all my criteria of manliness.

Finally, the question comes to mind on just “how” to pull off the manly fist bump. I have included some pictures below of the good, the bad, and flat out ugly.

Classic and timeless. The traditional fist bump that occurs in sports. There are plenty of variations on this and they all pretty much work in the sporting arena.

The Wonder Twins are credited with the first fist bump (along with our pal Fred Carter of NBA fame). It doesn’t matter who was the first or who brought it mainstream, the Wonder Twins pull off the manly fist bump. See the straight arms in a heroic situation of cartoon fame. Nice…

The classic politician (in this case Joe Lieberman) doing a fist bump in order to garner votes. I don’t like this one, but it can be pulled off. In this case, it is between men and it somewhat works. Not as cool as a couple of sport guys (or gals) but acceptable.

What the hell is this? You never fist bump an inanimate object. I understand there was probably some booze involved and I really hope this guy just lost a bet. Good photo opp, but manly it is not.

Fist bumping your child is always OK. It is not your traditional nor is it very effective for your manliness quotient, but you can never go wrong with high-fiving or fist bumping a baby. It is almost always OK.

I’m not sure what to say. Looks like they are having fun, soooo…moving on….

Interracial fist bumps are always cool. This will be me and my newly adopted interracial son one day. I will update this post in 15 years when he and I are playing hoops and we find that moment.

Freaking terrorist fist bumps. Maybe there is something behind the whole terrorist claim….

Have any comments or suggestions on fist bumps? If you think any of my manliness thoughts are not manly at all, feel free to let me know…

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Fist Bumps: Have They Lost Their Manly Meaning?

My parent’s divorce was not a “friendly” divorce – I refuse to believe that any one ever is. There was infidelity on one side and it got really ugly to say the least. My brother was out of high school and I was still in high school, so we of course knew of the situation. It is not so easy if the children are younger and don’t fully grasp the importance of what is happening.

In Babywise (for all new parents, GET THIS BOOK AND READ IT COVER TO COVER PRIOR TO HAVING YOUR CHILD), it talks about what children believe is the end of their own lives if the family unit is not kept intact. They believe their own life is over since both parents may not be there to fill their every need. I think this fear becomes a reality for them and it could literally leave them scarred for life.

Shannon discusses the desire of the parents to have the talk with their children over as quickly as possible. As much as I am a believer in that the truth will set you free, when it comes to children, sometimes the truth is not always the best scenario. As Shannon points out, the truth maybe yes, but all the details can be left out. I know there will be all kinds of flack on this, but if I didn’t know of the infidelity in my parent’s case until I was much older, that would have been fine with me.

The hardest part of the discussion, as she points out, is the confusion over what divorce really means to them and their view of the entire world as they know it. Their lives will be turned upside down.

One very important piece of advice she gave was to ensure them how much both Mommy and Daddy love them and that NOTHING ever will change this. Even though there will be changes coming in “how” their lives will change slightly, it is imperative to ensure them they will be provided for, safe, and all of their needs and wants will be met as they were before.

The other piece of advice, which was not touched on in detail in this article, is to make certain the child knows and understands that the divorce has absolutely nothing to do with them. Just as the child may have conflict with another child or a sibling, etc and that it was not the fault of the parents, this divorce is NOT the fault of the children. When my parents got divorced, even though I was in high school, those thoughts were still racing through my mind. I knew all too well it had nothing to do with me, but still…you never know as a young person.

This article by Shannon Hutton was a very good in that it spoke to the “how” of speaking to your children about the divorce. It did not delve to much into the what or when, but I know she is planning pieces on this as well.

From a man’s perspective, one of the core traits of manliness is to Protect Your Family At All Costs. When it comes to how you discuss a pending divorce, this trait will be called into question. Us men know all about protecting our family physically. If something poses a threat to our family, we go into action and whoever is threatening better have made their peace with God because things are not going to turn out good. When it comes to protecting our family emotionally, our ability tends to fall apart. We are not emotional beasts and we need all the help we can get when our family is at risk of being hurt by something as emotional as a family divorce.

Shannon talks about a couple of books to help us through this. Since a good friend of mine went through recently, he told me that Dinosaurs Divorce is tremendous. Another fantastic book on this subject is Helping Your Kids Cope with Divorce the Sandcastles Way.

Shannon, thanks for the great article.

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How To Tell Your Children That You Are Getting Divorced