Growing up in suburbia, my Dad would spend his summer weekends cutting grass, trimming hedges, and just plain hanging out. Of course, hanging out was codeword for drinking beer.

And not just any beer – yard beer. Yard beer is essentially the cheapest, nastiest, most delightful, refreshing drink a man could have in the middle of 80 degrees and 80% humidity. Leave the water and lemonade to the boys. Let the pansy men drink the micro-brews and top shelf stuff. Yard beer is for men.

The criteria for the best yard beer are complex and oftentimes fall into the wrong hands. Yard beer needs to be sustainable for the long term. Why? Because you will go through case after case after case of the stuff.

Be sure to get the most comprehensive yard beer available by always following the essential yard beer purchasing criteria:

1. Cheap
2. Cheap
3. Must be on sale
4. Nearly looks like water when poured in a glass (of course, it’s never served in a glass so no one knows for sure)
5. Can drink several (no less than 20) without filling up
6. Cans only, you pansies…
7. Cheap

Now, my Dad was extremely loyal to his yard beer. He had a few favorites that he would rotate through, depending on which ones were on sale that week. But suffice to say that every yard beer mentioned in this article has been in my Dad’s beer fridge at one time or another.

I know times have changed and some of these classics are hard to find. I suggest trying as many of these out as you can, as they come on sale of course. But always remember, yard beer is designed to bring great happiness to your life as you perform the manly outside chores associated with whatever you are doing on the weekends.
(Dig it? Then why not Digg it?)

The Classic

PBR (Pabst Blue Ribbon) is arguably the most respected of yard beers for its accessibility and purely cheap connotation. When a fella hands you a Pabst over the backyard fence; smile, thank him, and remind him to keep his friggin dog off your lawn. All kidding aside, it actually is pretty good.

Honorable mention is one of the all time classics, Busch. Guys who drink Busch are doing so to make a point.

The History Lesson

Schaefer beer claims to be the oldest lager in America. Since it is written on their cans, and is a good, solid yard beer, there is no reason doubt their claim. Oftentimes when drinking a Schaefer, you will wonder whether you actually have “the oldest lager in America” right in your hands, but that is simply another exquisite quality found in the typical yard beer.

The Most Expensive (crazy-talk)

Budweiser is not called the King of Beers just because. This classic has always been known as a cheap American beer, but dropping a bunch of these on the weekend in the yard could get costly. For some reason, Bud has started to believe their own hype and they are pricing for premium. Someone forgot to read the memo from my Dad.

The Sissy

Keystone is the beer “that’s served in a can but tastes like it came from a bottle.” They just didn’t tell you from what kind of bottle. This beer works fine on many of the criteria, but with so many other manly choices to choose from, why would you resort to acting like a woman? Drink yard beer because it tastes like yard beer (out of a can). And if you wanted to take the whole sissy thing to a whole other level, grab yourself a case of the Keystone Light.

The College Guy

Milwaukee’s Best (AKA “The Beast”) brings back so many fine memories. It was cheap, accessible, and pretty much every store that carried milk or bubble gum, also carried The Beast. Heck, college kids pretty much invented the concept of yard beer. It needs to be cheap, accessible, and be able to drink dozens of them without thought.

(If you really want to knock off all the weak brain cells, switch over to Milwaukee’s Best Ice. Tons more alcohol content, but you still should be able to drink plenty of them.)

The Hard To Find

Stroh’s beer was a default beer for us in Michigan. Stroh’s is from Michigan and was a classic for us growing up. Similar to other regional beers like Genessee in NY, this beer was hard to find outside of the Midwest. But if you really wanted to impress the neighbor, offer him up something he’s never had (nor will ever want to again).

The Standby

Miller Lite is a just a plain classic yard beer that can never go wrong. This one actually makes you look sophisticated in your selection. It hints at the idea that you have at least some dignity left and you are frugal – all in the same breath. If you are staring down 10 different yard beers in the grocery aisle and you are not sure if you might have an unexpected guest stop by while slurping down the yard stuff, then go for this one. You never have to explain yourself with Miller Lite.

The Cleaner

Schlitz and Schlitz Ice got this lovable little name through its many trials of working it into the rotation. I was buying this in college for 8 cents/can (on sale with a coupon). I kid you not – a freaking coupon! “Shitz Ice” as we liked to call it would taste fantastic, but would pay for it DEARLY the next day. No idea what they use in this stuff, but I suggest everyone go out and have one today!

The “I Don’t Give A Crap Anymore”

Hands down winner, Natural Lite. There is no other beer in the world that tells anyone who sees you drinking one of these, that you simply don’t give crap anymore what they think. It’s cheap, always on sale, looks more like water than water does, and has just the right amount of alcohol to keep you going. Bring a case of this to the next party you’re invited to show your friends how much you care about them as well.

Red, White and Blue used to own this title – COMPLETELY – but I haven’t seen this beer for years. This was PBR’s “low-end product”. That is like saying you are interested in the low-end version of The Yugo!  My Dad would routinely have 2-3 cases of this stuff in his stash at all times. Classic…

The Most Respected and Adored and Admired and Manly

Miller High Life. There is nothing to say here other than “if you drink this, you’re a man.” Period. The Champaign of Beers motto is tongue in cheek marketing that makes this beer even manlier than it already is.

However, if you like to wet the noodle now and again, knowing the finer points of the “chick drink” – how to make it, how to serve it, and how NOT to drink them if you’re a guy – are important to your social well-being.

As the trend shifts to women in the elixir business, men should be aware of these chick drink classics. Bartenders everywhere will tell stories of men, for one reason or another, saying “I’ll have what she’s having.” What the heck is going on?

If a guy is looking to score points or just score, there are better ways to do it. If you like the taste of the drink, compliment your companion, tell them you love those drinks, and then order up a bourbon on the rocks, or even better, neat.

Women love to hear you enjoy what they are doing and approve of their taste, but they also want a man to be a man – especially in public. If you are not sure what to get, then go with the manliest of all manly standbys – beer. Want more sophistication? Order up a bourbon neat, scotch on the rocks, or vodka and soda.

Top 10 Chick Drinks

1. Wine Coolers. Can’t think of a time when a guy ordering a wine cooler for himself at a bar is OK. Nope, I’ve thought about it and these drinks, no matter how much you may like them (and I do, from time to time) are strictly for chicks in groups of 3 or more.

2. Champagne. If toasting your best friend at a wedding, fine. If drinking out of the bottle at 12:01 AM, January 1st – it works. If there is a celebration happening, men are free to indulge. Chicks really like the sweet taste all the time, so it has to be included in the list.

3. White Wine. I love wine. There is nothing better than a slightly chilled Cabernet with a giant steak. White wine, though, is a classic chick drink. I have yet to find a guy that would rather have white over red, but women choose it all the time.

4. Sex On The Beach. Awesome name, great ingredients, and a classic among women everywhere. A great conversation starter because of the name, but I’m not sure how a guy can drink this not feel at least a bit effeminate. It does contain vodka, but the OJ, cranberry juice, and peach schnapps push this onto the list.

5. Appletini. I love these. Oh, the sweet nectar of apples and flavored vodka. I love them so much, I savor every last one of these for home with the shades drawn. JD on Scrubs is a fine example of why this is a chick drink. I love JD, but whenever he orders an Appletini, it is always done with a little tongue in cheek.

6. Cosmopolitan Martini. The only martini a man should be seen with in public is a straight vodka or gin martini. Shaken or stirred, who cares, but throw in a few olives and enjoy the harshness of drinking a classic Bond drink. When you start adding fruity colors to “cut the taste”, you are drifting far into the chick drink world. That being said, chick drink or not, if adding the additional flavor helps, do so. Keeping the garnishes to a minimum allows this to work for men in social settings.

7. Screaming Orgasm. My wife and I like to call this the Dirty Russian. It is a combination of the White Russian and Dark Russian. One part Vodka, one part Irish Cream, one part coffee liquor. This is one of the best tasting cocktails of all time. It comes across very sweet and feels like you are drinking your desert. Add some Cream de Cacao and you are drinking a chocolate éclair.

8. Long Island Iced Tea. One of the exceptions to public consumption for men, this drink does nicely in a variety of settings. Women love it for its taste and general “tea” connotation (does not contain tea at all). Men love it because it has A BUNCH of liquor in it – all 5 types of clear liquors to be exact.

9. Lemon Drop. Can be a martini or a shot. This drink actually looks manly enough and could be consumed in public if done correctly. It tastes like candy, and therefore, is a chick drink. If with a group of guys looking to order shots, please don’t call the tender over and yell out “me and the boys want 7 Lemon Drops!” Order up Irish Car Bomb’s or Three Wise-Men to make sure everyone knows the level of manliness.

10. Piña Colada. These are fantastic tasting drinks. I love them, but unless you are on the beach with a beautiful woman and nobody else around, leave these classic chick drinks behind and go for jungle juice. It’s a fun-loving, summer staple, served in a very feminine glass with lots of garnishes. Definitely on the list.

Manly Advice on Chick Drinks

Finally, some advice for guys who are constantly fighting the urge to order up one of the chick drinks on the list. If you’re like me, you will always be considering these drinks as you love them all. Just be selective and understand your wanting to Return To Manliness.

Drink what men should drink. Cocktails are an incredible way for “the Chase” to culminate. Men and women love to socialize and meet this way. As much as she will appreciate your wide variety of consumption etiquette, more will she love the fact that you can drink what men should drink. What a man drinks in a social setting can tell a lot about what type of a man he is. You can still have amazing manliness and drink a chick drink, but why confuse anyone?

Save the pleasure for home. As I mentioned, I love most of these drinks. I will pour a tart Appletini for my wife and myself in the confines of our wonderful home, anytime. I might even do it with some close guy friends too. Drawing the shades and closing the curtains to do this is a little extreme, but the point is still valid.

Know your audience. Most would agree that appearance matters. How you dress, how you speak, how your hair looks, your physical fitness, etc. Cocktails are also part of your whole appearance. Consider who you might be trying to impress. If truly no one, then let it fly. But if you believe appearance matters, consider who is around and order up the stuff that will put hair on your chest.

Know how to make one. Whether you like chick drinks or not, knowing how to make them matters. If with a woman in public and she orders up a classic chick drink, knowing what is in it will impress her to the hilt. When hanging with friends at home, women will be impressed with your vast knowledge of elixir skills by offering up chick drinks they all adore.

Always have 6-8 chick drinks memorized. Oftentimes, women are drinking not for the same reasons as men. They will do it more to socialize, while men do it to kill off demons and bond. Being able to suggest a drink and explaining the fine delicacies of why she will love it, is a huge plus. The real trick is to offer it up without the notion of it being a chick drink. Women want to be included – not patronized. So be knowledgeable and offer up your suggestions in a manner befitting of true manliness.

I am certain I missed some classics.  Which ones would you have included?

Every blog in the ether will be writing something about the 4th of July weekend (at least US based blogs since our holiday weekend doesn’t mean whole heckuva lot to the rest of the world – especially in England ) What you don’t need is another “How To Blow Off Three Fingers With Fireworks” or “Top 10 Barbecue Hats” or “What’s More Manly: Potato Salad or Shot-gunning a Beer in Under 7 Seconds?” posts – even though that last one has some legs.

Nope, today’s post on manliness is all about dehydration, what happens when you don’t pay attention to it, and how to make sure it doesn’t happen to you. July 4th weekend just happens to be when most Americans will experience some form of dehydration so it is indeed timely. Water makes up approximately 60 to 70 percent of the human body by weight, so this is something that must not be ignored while out there hooping it up with friends this weekend.

Signs of dehydration

When you say to your buddy “I don’t need no stinkin water, throw me a beer!” or any other form of ridiculously slurred statement caused by either too much alcohol, overdose of soggy chips, or getting hit in the head with the errant Jart. This statement alone means your are dehydrated and probably delusional. Get a water in your belly as soon as you can and by all means grab a seat in the shade.

Seriously, these are sings that you don’t have a enough water in your system. Take a read…

• Headaches similar to what is experienced during a hangover
• Blurred vision or what some call vision snow (clouding of your vision)
• Extreme thirst (but when this happens, it usually means you have to stop everything and rehydrate)
• Skin flushing
• Dark colored urine
• Dry mouth
• Fatigue or weakness
• Chills (commonly known as the “chilly-willies” amongst my nephews)
• Head rushes

Most of the time, we are walking around dehydrated and we don’t even know it. It’s not a big deal since we are not taking part in physical activity under the sun. Also, most of us are in controlled temperature places, so our bodies can recover quite quickly. However, if you are out in the sun and taking part in any physical activity (even walking), it is paramount to stay in tune with your body is telling you. You need to lose only 2% of one’s normal water volume to actually start seeing the symptoms. Only 2%!!! That’s crazy and it can happen within 20 minutes of physical activity during the hot summer.

If your body has lost just 10% of its water mass, experts tell you to get emergency help IMMEDIATELY. On a 200 pound fella at 60% total body fluid, that is only 12 pounds or water loss. That seems like a lot, but how do you know? Have you ever weighed yourself after a few hours of playing hoops with the boys? I have and you lose A LOT of weight due to water loss during that time. It is not uncommon to lose that much weight if you are getting to it on the court or any other activity out in the sun.

In extreme cases, you will see guys drop with seizures, completely lose muscle control, faint or start to act even more delirious than what they already are. Not something to mess with when the temp’s are north of 100 degrees and you have added alcohol or caffeine to your already stellar diet.

Simple tips to staying hydrated

These simple tips can help make getting enough fluids part of your daily routine (not just when you are partying this weekend):

• Have something to drink when you first get up in the morning
• Carry a plastic water bottle with you – even if you have an adult beverage in the other hand (don’t worry, staying hydrated is manly – passing out because you were an idiot is not
• Drink water before, during and after exercising, especially in hot weather. Experts say drink water every 10-15 minutes as you exercise
• Remember to drink before you get thirsty. This one is key. If you are already thirsty as you exercise, chances are you are too late
• Limit caffeinated, sugary or alcoholic beverages (the best you can). Caffeine acts as a diuretic and can cause you to lose fluids quickly. In addition to having extra calories, the fructose, or natural sugars, in fruit juice can slow your body’s ability to absorb fluids
• Monitor your fluid intake. My friend has rule when partying (especially outside). For every beer he drinks, he must drink a glass of water before going for another one. Doesn’t need to monitor too much, just follow the simple rule and you will be taking in enough
• While sleeping off the duress of the party, keep a glass, cup or plastic bottle of water next to your bed. Better yet, do this every night as you body can always use the extra hydration
• Learn the signs and symptoms of dehydration

A thought about the kids…according to experts, infants and children are “more susceptible to dehydration than adults because of their smaller body weights and higher turnover of water.” Normally, they do a good job or drinking when they are thirsty, but on hot days, they get distracted and will forget. They turn over water faster than adults and don’t have sufficient reserves. Keep a careful eye on the little ones during the barbecue party…

Final thoughts

If you wait until you’re thirsty, you’ve waited too long to drink. When you drink less fluid than you use you are dehydrated – simple enough. Electrolytes found in Gatorade or Propel Water may help bring the minerals back to the body faster, but oftentimes it is no better than pure water when you are dehydrated.

Finally, a good rule of thumb for hot or humid environments or during strenuous activity involves monitoring the frequency and character of urination. If you urinate at least every 3-5 hours and the urine is only lightly colored or colorless, good chance you are not experiencing dehydration; if the urine is deeply colored, or you urinate only after tons of hours or not at all, you are heading for trouble – you are dehydrated and it is time to put down the beer and grab some water. Listen to your body and watch the signs. This way, you will be able to read all about potato salad and shot-gunning a beer in tomorrow’s post.