A Manly American Pastime: Cheap Yard Beer
Growing up in suburbia, my Dad would spend his summer weekends cutting grass, trimming hedges, and just plain hanging out. Of course, hanging out was codeword for drinking beer.
And not just any beer - yard beer. Yard beer is essentially the cheapest, nastiest, most delightful, refreshing drink a man could have in the middle of 80 degrees and 80% humidity. Leave the water and lemonade to the boys. Let the pansy men drink the micro-brews and top shelf stuff. Yard beer is for men.
The criteria for the best yard beer are complex and oftentimes fall into the wrong hands. Yard beer needs to be sustainable for the long term. Why? Because you will go through case after case after case of the stuff.
Be sure to get the most comprehensive yard beer available by always following the essential yard beer purchasing criteria:
- Cheap
- Cheap
- Must be on sale
- Nearly looks like water when poured in a glass (of course, it’s never served in a glass so no one knows for sure)
- Can drink several (no less than 20) without filling up
- Cans only, you pansies…
- Cheap
Now, my Dad was extremely loyal to his yard beer. He had a few favorites that he would rotate through, depending on which ones were on sale that week. But suffice to say that every yard beer mentioned in this article has been in my Dad’s beer fridge at one time or another.
I know times have changed and some of these classics are hard to find. I suggest trying as many of these out as you can, as they come on sale of course. But always remember, yard beer is designed to bring great happiness to your life as you perform the manly outside chores associated with whatever you are doing on the weekends.
(Dig it? Then why not Digg it?)
The Classic
PBR (Pabst Blue Ribbon) is arguably the most respected of yard beers for its accessibility and purely cheap connotation. When a fella hands you a Pabst over the backyard fence; smile, thank him, and remind him to keep his friggin dog off your lawn. All kidding aside, it actually is pretty good.
Honorable mention is one of the all time classics, Busch. Guys who drink Busch are doing so to make a point.
The History Lesson
Schaefer beer claims to be the oldest lager in America. Since it is written on their cans, and is a good, solid yard beer, there is no reason doubt their claim. Oftentimes when drinking a Schaefer, you will wonder whether you actually have “the oldest lager in America” right in your hands, but that is simply another exquisite quality found in the typical yard beer.
The Most Expensive (crazy-talk)
Budweiser is not called the King of Beers just because. This classic has always been known as a cheap American beer, but dropping a bunch of these on the weekend in the yard could get costly. For some reason, Bud has started to believe their own hype and they are pricing for premium. Someone forgot to read the memo from my Dad.
The Sissy
Keystone is the beer “that’s served in a can but tastes like it came from a bottle.” They just didn’t tell you from what kind of bottle. This beer works fine on many of the criteria, but with so many other manly choices to choose from, why would you resort to acting like a woman? Drink yard beer because it tastes like yard beer (out of a can). And if you wanted to take the whole sissy thing to a whole other level, grab yourself a case of the Keystone Light.
The College Guy
Milwaukee’s Best (AKA “The Beast”) brings back so many fine memories. It was cheap, accessible, and pretty much every store that carried milk or bubble gum, also carried The Beast. Heck, college kids pretty much invented the concept of yard beer. It needs to be cheap, accessible, and be able to drink dozens of them without thought.
(If you really want to knock off all the weak brain cells, switch over to Milwaukee’s Best Ice. Tons more alcohol content, but you still should be able to drink plenty of them.)
The Hard To Find
Stroh’s beer was a default beer for us in Michigan. Stroh’s is from Michigan and was a classic for us growing up. Similar to other regional beers like Genessee in NY, this beer was hard to find outside of the Midwest. But if you really wanted to impress the neighbor, offer him up something he’s never had (nor will ever want to again).
The Standby
Miller Lite is a just a plain classic yard beer that can never go wrong. This one actually makes you look sophisticated in your selection. It hints at the idea that you have at least some dignity left and you are frugal - all in the same breath. If you are staring down 10 different yard beers in the grocery aisle and you are not sure if you might have an unexpected guest stop by while slurping down the yard stuff, then go for this one. You never have to explain yourself with Miller Lite.
The Cleaner
Schlitz and Schlitz Ice got this lovable little name through its many trials of working it into the rotation. I was buying this in college for 8 cents/can (on sale with a coupon). I kid you not - a freaking coupon! “Shitz Ice” as we liked to call it would taste fantastic, but would pay for it DEARLY the next day. No idea what they use in this stuff, but I suggest everyone go out and have one today!
The “I Don’t Give A Crap Anymore”
Hands down winner, Natural Lite. There is no other beer in the world that tells anyone who sees you drinking one of these, that you simply don’t give crap anymore what they think. It’s cheap, always on sale, looks more like water than water does, and has just the right amount of alcohol to keep you going. Bring a case of this to the next party you’re invited to show your friends how much you care about them as well.
Red, White and Blue used to own this title - COMPLETELY - but I haven’t seen this beer for years. This was PBR’s “low-end product”. That is like saying you are interested in the low-end version of The Yugo! My Dad would routinely have 2-3 cases of this stuff in his stash at all times. Classic…
The Most Respected and Adored and Admired and Manly
Miller High Life. There is nothing to say here other than “if you drink this, you’re a man.” Period. The Champaign of Beers motto is tongue in cheek marketing that makes this beer even manlier than it already is.
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Great Manly article! My Grandfather was a Schaefer guy - always had it around and in a way still does - he was buried with some! (seriously!)
Scotts last blog post..San Miguel Dark Lager - A quicky review
Great article! As I was scrolling down, I was wondering where the Miller High Life was. It is my favorite cheap “every day drinking beer”, even though I do order one out occasionally. Whenever someone asks me why I am drinking it in a bar I just point to the bottle and say “It’s the champagne of beers!”
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@Scott - that is awesome. He was buried with some. Now that is a man.
@RC - I’m with you. The “champagne of beers”…now that tag line has stood the test of time. Just like the beer itself has.
“yard beer. Yard beer is essentially the cheapest, nastiest, most delightful, refreshing drink a man could have”
Wow, and I thought trying to wean my husband away from the coffee pot was an issue. Maybe I’ll let that one go.
Hayden Tompkinss last blog post..The Secret Lives of Husbands
@Hayden - stick with the coffee pot. If my wife wanted to get me off one or the other, the choice would be easy - coffee. Yard beer is in our DNA…I read this somewhere…
Great article! I had never heard of the term “yard beer” but it’s perfect. I’m glad PBR is on the list, it is cheap and tastes great.
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My buddy came up with this term years ago and it just stuck in my mind. Not sure if anyone else uses it, but it does work perfect.
Reading this gave me college party flashbacks. Natty, The Beast, these were the beers of the unappreciative undergraduate, who did not yet know enough yet to know what good beer was. That said, you’re right that they’re totally refreshing.
I was surprised that Blatz didn’t make the list, however. Now, that’s the kind of beer you want to drink while standing on thirdbase at a company softball game. Or while bowling.
Blatz is awesome. Should have been on the list.
“Company softball game or while bowling” That’s excellent…
It’s a great sound too. Beers used to have such great names…
being from Buffalo we always drank Labatt Blue.
rumor has it that the company moved it’s US distributing to Buffalo because more then half of there customers lived with in 100 miles of the city.
I know some places this might not be considered a cheap beer, but when you can find it in every store or restaurant, it is sometimes cheaper then some of the beers you mention.
Joshua,
That is so funny…more than half its customers within 100 miles. Probably true.
I am huge fan of Blue. I wonder what Canadians would consider cheap yard beer???
Can’t help thinking of my old man and his buddies when you brought up “yard beer.” When you described the term I immediately thought of Falstaff, which seemed to be in a lot of base-housing back yards during Dad’s service days when I was just a nipper. Later he liked his Weidemann’s, and when I was in high school in Missouri he and his bud’s favored another regional brew, Stag, much to the derision of us young bucks. He was pretty much a Bud Light guy in his latter years, though.
Thanks for the memories; I may have to scrounge around the local liquor stores to see if I can still find a six-pack of one of those oldies and pop one open in his honor.
I’ve missed some biggies. Might have to amend this article or add another list. Falstaff is a CLASSIC. The other one I missed that my Dad always hit was Altas.
Years back I used to drink Carlings (Black Label). Recently I found it at my favorite drug store. Would you believe a 24 can case for $11.50? At 50 cents a can you can’t buy bottled water at that price! I fell right off my diet.
This may be the single greatest post I have ever seen. Personally, I am partial to Natty. Back in the day, we would get a whole pallet at a time. $6.49 a case. Our parties then evolved to natty on tap… im pretty sure the keg deposits were more than the beer itself. Ahh the good ol days!
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@Bob - Never had Carlings, but heard of it. $11.50 years back was a premium beer compared to some of our big hitters on this list. I used to get Schlitz (aka “The Cleaner”) for 10 cents/can. But again, it got its nickname for a reason. I am certain they used water from Mexico…
@Founding - Buying a whole pallet at a time. That is simply legendary. I love it.
Strohs was big in Detroit in the ’50’s my older brother Don was a jumper on the Stroh’s truck when he came home from college each summer. He always said the Strohs put him through college. Beware, if you drank too many Strohs, you would wake up with a “Strohs Over”. They were miseable, worse than a nagging wife.
Excellent article, Pabst is a true classic. I just wish they promote it more and get it in Wal-Mart in Texas. Distribution is spotty here.
Schaefer’s I haven’t seen in years. At my University it was the beer you’d drink at parties after you got wasted on good beer like Bud.
And as for Shrohs, I remember them making a big national push back in the late 80’s - early 90’s. But it never was able to compete with the big 3 (Bud/Coors/Miller). Then it was sold to Miller and went back to being a regional brew. Damn shame because it is an excellent beer. And Strohs used to have a very tasty budget beer called Gobels.
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